Near the door
He paused to stand.
As he took his class ring
Off her hand.
All who were watching
Did not speak
As a silent tear
Ran down his cheek.
And through his mind
The memories ran
Of the moments they walked
And ran in the sand hand in hand.
But now her eyes were so terribly cold
For he would never again
Have her to hold.
They watched in silence
As he bent near
And whispered the words,
"I LOVE YOU" into her ear.
He touched her face and started to cry
As he put on his ring and wanted to die.
And just then the wind began to blow
As they lowered her casket
Into the snow.
This is what happens
To man alive...
When friends let friends..
Drink and drive.

How to give a cat a bath

1. Scrub toilet and flush several times. (You may consider this step to be optional).
2. Fill toilet with warm water and add a squirt of pet shampoo.
3. Drop cat in toilet and slam lid shut.
4. Sit on lid - cat's efforts to free itself will generate a good deal of sudsing and washing motions.
5. Flush toilet a couple of times to rinse cat. Note: Hold securely to leash attached to cat in toilet.
6. Leap off toilet seat, dash out door, and slam it shut - securely shut, because kitty will erupt from the bowl as if jet propelled.
7. Leave kitty to sulk and dry itself. 

 Bumper Stickers

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
Jesus loves you...everyone else thinks you're an ass.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
If you want breakfast in bed, then sleep in the kitchen.
Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
Next mood swing: 5 minutes
Warning: I have an attitude, and I know how to use it!
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Jesus is coming...look busy!
Grow your own dope...plant a man.
All men are idiots...I married their king.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Be nice to your kids...they're picking out your nursing home.
Always remember you're unique...just like everyone else

This read was taken from Funny.com It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

PS. Sure is hot down here.

This read was taken from Funny.com

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died. First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony. I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself." St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside. Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me." St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man. Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."

Doctor's Exams:

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient. --Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered ... "Why, not for about twenty years when my husband was alive."
--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."
--no name given

Something To Think About                                                                         

What if the Hokey Pokey really is what its all about???